Open Season
by redlamps
Summary: This is the first in a series of short stories. It's a prequel to Courting With Disaster. Can be read as a stand alone. Written for a challenge on PP. It's my tribute to classic Saturday morning cartoons.


_A/N: Thanks Lisa and Mud for editing and support!! _

_xx Not my characters, not making any money. xx_

_. . . . _

**Open Season**

_. . . . _

I really didn't mind helping out at the Senior's Center, in fact, I was actually looking forward to it. How pathetic was that? I'd hoped that serving refreshments to Grandma Mazur and her friends at their Halloween bash would help keep my mind off of my love life…or lack of one.

Joe and I were in an off-stage of our relationship and rumour had it that he was dating a perky, young E.M.T. from Newark. Ranger…well, he had been gone for over two months with no good-bye, talk to you soon, I'll call when I get a chance, I want to marry you and have you bear my children. Yeah, it was official, my life sucked but _damn it,_ Halloween was my favourite holiday and I wasn't going to sit at home alone, burying myself in a tub of Ben and Jerry's.

I was having a great day up until I went to pick up my last two skips to be re-bonded. An easy two-fer, so I thought. It was first time offenses for the Warner brothers, Sam and Jack. They'd been charged with public mischief when they'd gotten drunk and were caught peeing in their neighbour's bushes. My first mistake was not stunning their wrinkled, decrepit asses when they first answered the front door. Who knew two old geezers could move so fast? Instead, here I was sitting outside their locked bathroom listening to them sing Tin Pan Alley vaudeville songs for over two hours now. That was my second mistake…I should have packed it in a long time ago. They were both a couple of Looney Tunes if you asked me. Warner Brothers…Looney Tunes. I snorted at my own joke.

_"Hel-lo my honey, hel-lo my baby, hel-lo my ragtag gal…"_

God, didn't they know any other songs? I held my finger to the corner of my eye to stop the twitching as I sat against the bathroom door pleading with them to come along quietly. I glanced at my watch. _Shit!_ I would never make it to Party City in time to pick up my costume if I didn't leave right away. I almost wished I had brought along Lula. She could have shot the pair of them and we could have gotten rid of the bodies in that time capsule they were burying in the cement foundation for the new City Hall. I shook my head to clear my thoughts—I could have sworn I heard a cow bell ringing—either I was watching too many cartoons or Lula was rubbing off on me. Out of time, I raced out of the house to my Mini and tore off down the street hoping that I would make it before the store closed.

As I pulled into the parking lot I looked at the clock on the dashboard. I bolted out of my car and raced into Party City with five minutes to spare. I ran up to the counter out of breath, leaning over with my hands on my knees as I sputtered out my name, "S-S-St-Stephanie Plum. You have a costume reserved for a Stephanie Plum."

The pimply-faced teen glared at me and then at the clock on the wall clearly annoyed with my presence. He grudgingly scanned his computer screen and began typing on the keyboard.

"Yeah, we _had_ a costume for a Stephanie Plum."

"What do you mean _'had'_ a costume?" I raised an eyebrow as panic washed over me.

"Well, it says here that _she_ came in and picked up the costume earlier this afternoon." I couldn't believe my ears.

I looked at his name tag. Charles M. Jones. "Listen _Chuck,_" I spat out his name. "What the hell are you talking about? I'm right here and I _did not _pick up my costume."

"_Ma'am_, you _were_ in earlier and picked up your costume." He had a smug look that only teenagers could muster and I wanted to smack it right off of his acne-riddled face.

_Frick. _This could not be happening to me! It was the cutest little bird costume with a black feathery mask that came over my face and had an orange sequined bill. The rest of the costume was a short dress covered in beautiful black feathers. Not overly sexy but hot enough to make me feel good about myself.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath to calm down. "Okay, what costumes _do you _have left?" I looked at my watch. As it was, I would have to go straight to the Senior Center without stopping off at my apartment to shower.

He went into a room behind the till and came back with one costume. "This is it, take it or leave it. I'm closing in two minutes."

Chuck held up a huge greyish-coloured rabbit suit that looked to be about three sizes too big. It came with big goofy paws and huge rabbit's feet. The rabbit head would cover most of my face leaving only my mouth uncovered. Oh God, this could not be happening! Out of options, I grabbed the suit and headed for the changing room to try it on. After attaching the head to the rest of the costume I worked up enough nerve to look in the mirror. Yep, I looked ridiculous. I would just go without a costume. That was better than not showing up at all right? I reached behind to undo the zipper in the back when I realized that my hair was caught. I couldn't even get the cotton pickin' rabbit head off. Chuck, who was lurking just outside of the change room, couldn't offer any constructive ideas of how to get out of this damn costume. With grudging reluctance, I paid the deposit for the rabbit suit and left.

I had to drive to the Senior Center with my sunroof open to accommodate my rabbit ears that stuck up through the opening. Thank God, the rabbit hands and feet were detachable so I could at least drive. Damn it, if I hadn't promised I would help at the refreshment table I would have turned my car around and gone home. Tonight I would be a making a complete and utter fool of myself…of this, I was certain. God, I only hoped no one I knew would recognize me…or have a camera handy.

I was really hoping Tank didn't have one of the Merry Men following me cuz I would never live this down. Since Ranger had gone 'in the wind' Tank had become my 'surrogate' protector. This week's psycho stalker du jour was Remle D'duf. He was an unemployed factory worker at the ACME Explosives Plant, who was pissed that I had stunned his sorry ass the last time he was F.T.A. Hell, he wasn't even my skip this time around; that bitch, Joyce, was the one looking for him. As stalkers go, I wasn't too worried about Remle. I figured he only rated about a five on the whacko danger scale which was probably due, in large part, to his lisp. It's kinda hard to take a death threat over the phone seriously when the guy was threatening to 'bwow me to smitherweens'.

Besides, I was in costume so if Remle did come looking for me, he wouldn't even know what I looked like. I pulled up to the Senior Center and after a few failed attempts, extracted myself out of my car, careful not to damage my ears. Now I knew what a rabbit felt like trying to squeeze out of a tiny rabbit hole. After attaching my feet and paws I straighten up and mustering as much dignity and courage as possible, went inside.

The dance was in full swing with everyone looking like they were having a blast. Grandma Mazur was dressed up as Harpo Marx with a long trench coat and top hat and was having a great time sneaking up behind people and blowing her horn, just to see them jump. They had a live band, the Merrie Melodies, who were playing golden oldies.

After an hour of serving punch, I took a break and went over to the dessert table. Everything looked so yummy, but I finally decided on a piece of carrot cake. I was licking icing off my fork when out of the corner of my eye I saw Remle come into the room. He was dressed as a big-game hunter and he carried a double-barreled shotgun_. Crap!_ His gun looked a little too real to be a prop. I was thinking about going back to my car to get my stun gun from my purse when I saw someone wearing _my_ costume come in right after him. From the signature waddle there was no mistaking who was wearing my costume…Joyce. That bitch had stolen _my costume_! Oh, I was hopping mad.

I kept an eye on Remle as he approached a few people. He appeared to be ask them something, they would shake their heads and he would move on. I was debating whether to call Tank when he approached me.

Remle looked to the left and then the right. "Shhhh…be vewwy vewwy quiet. I'm wooking for a giwl who wooks wike a bird. Have you seen her?"

Joyce waddled over and stood behind Remle.

He spun around and pointed his gun at her. "Freeze or the chicken gets fried! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha," he shouted to anyone listening.

"What the hell?" Joyce said. "Hey Crazy, I'm not a chicken, I'm a duck and you don't want me, you want the _rabbit_."

Remle turned the gun on me. "Now I gotcha, you scwewy wabbit. Say your pwayers."

Shit, I wasn't stupid. "Hey Laughing Boy, you don't want me. You want the _Duck._" I pushed the barrel of the shotgun back towards Joyce.

"Rabbit." Joyce shoved the gun barrel back to me.

"Duck."

"Rabbit."

Remle seemed befuddled, not knowing where to point the gun when Grandma inched up behind him.

"Beep! Beep!" she blew her horn and waggled her eyebrows.

I swear Remle jumped a foot off of the ground causing his gun to accidentally go off into the air. The errant bullet hit the chain of the huge light fixture above. It began to sway as one of the chain links gave way. We all looked up in disbelief.

Remle turned to me with huge cartoon, bugged-out eyes. "Uh oh. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha," he said just before it crashed to the floor landing on top of him and Joyce.

_Holy shit!_ It was like a giant anvil flattened them. The damnedest thing I ever saw! I looked up to see Ranger standing a few feet away, shaking his head.

"You never disappoint, Babe." I held my hands up in mock surrender, in a 'Hey, you can't pin this one on me' gesture.

_My hero!_ He was late, but he still came to save me. I was going to play it cool so I picked up my carrot cake and took a bite.

"What's up doc?" I said.

"I gotta tell ya, that rabbit costume is giving me ideas," Ranger said as he leered at me. "Come on Bugs, let's get outta here and do it like they do on the Discovery Channel."

Grandma winked me and said, "… Bd-bd-bd-bd-That's all folks!" Yeah, like you didn't see_ that_ one coming…

**The End**

_**A/N: These classic cartoons are still available on youtube. Search 'Merrie Melodies Rabbit Fire'. Thanks for reading!**_

_. . . . _

Here are some of the references to Sat morning cartoons I put in the story. How many did you find?

**Sam and Jack Warner**, two of the founding brothers for Warner Brothers

**_Looney Tunes_** is a Warner Bros. animated cartoon series

**"Hel-lo my honey, hel-lo my baby, hel-lo my ragtag gal…" ** refers to the classic cartoon "One Froggy Evening" with Michigan J. _Frog_

**"gotten rid of the bodies in that time capsule they were burying in the cement foundation** for the new City Hall." refers again to "One Froggy Evening"

**cow bell ringing**...well hell, that always happens in cartoons when someone shakes his/her head, right?

**Charles M. Jones (Chuck)** directed many cartoons for Warner Bros.

**grey rabbit costume**...need I say more?

**Remle D'duf** is, of course, Elmer Fudd spelled backwards!

**"hoppy mad"**...yes, I'm ashamed of myself for including this but I don't care, I still think it's funny!

**ACME Explosives Plant**...a given

**Merrie Melodies** is the name of a series of animated cartoons distributed by Warner Bros.

**Remle's entire conversation**...totally ripped off cartoons there...I mean paid homage, yeah that's it!

**Duck, Rabbit, Duck, Rabbit...**found in the cartoon,** Rabbit Fire.**

**giant anvil landing on head**...poor Wile E. Coyote

**Grandma Mazur** as Harpo Marx...does a good impression of the Road Runner

**Whats up doc? **pul-ease**  
**

**eating carrot cake**...the closest Steph is ever going to come to eating a real carrot

**That's all folks!**...hope I didn't miss any.


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